Letters no one could see, and more
by faberryiloveyou
Summary: Rachel writes letters to Quinn, telling her things she wishes she could say. Takes place in sophomore year. It isn't all in letter form. The story is better than the summary, I'm sorry c:
1. Chapter 1

Quinn,

The first time I saw you, we were in 2nd period. You caught my eye, sitting in the back, to the right. There was something about you; I still haven't figured it out. I swore I wouldn't get over Sarah. I swore she was the one; that I was going to spend forever with her. When I saw you that changed. I never meant to fall for you, I swear. I actually hated you at first. I envied your popularity, your perfect face, body, hair, and skin, all of it. I wondered how someone could so beautiful, just sitting there, looking up at the board. I was quick to judge, laughing at your mistakes, because, frankly, it was easier to do that than accept I was falling for you. I tried finding things, to make fun of you for. Of course not to your face, because, I don't want to see you hurt, I worry about you. I spoke to my ex, and she said she wanted nothing to do with me. It hurt less than it should have. I finally realized I was free, I could love you. Or, "crush" on, as I'd admit to my close friends. Days went by, and I'd continue to sit in the back, and stare at you. Well, the back of you, anyway.

Love,

Rachel

Oh, how I loved Mondays. Waking up, and having to crawl out of bed. I like being wrapped up in my blankets, nice and warm. Why can't school start later, or something? I dragged myself around the house, and eventually got ready. I always hated the drive to school, my dad, Leroy, would ask way too many questions. Stupid questions. I'm just tired, I'd say. I mean, that's all. I just wanted to sleep, and sleep. I need my beauty sleep. After all, I AM Rachel Berry, I'm a star. Or so everyone says. I don't really think much, of it. So, I'm unbelievably smart, I get good grades, barely make an effort, but everyone thinks I work so hard. Truth is, I just want to be an artist. Maybe I can paint gold stars for a living. Getting out of the car, is always the worst. You have to walk into that same building, where you go every same day, and it's the same schedule every same week. Oh how I wish I were in my bed. But I'm not, so I suck it up.. Like I do every day.

"Hey, Rach"  
It's way too early for this, but I have to be nice.  
"Hi, Puck, how are you?" not that I really cared. Not like they care.  
Slushied. Again. See, they don't care. I make my way to my locker and grab my extra clothes. And that's when I see Quinn. I get nervous, and start walking fast past her. Hoping she doesn't see me. I seem to think that if she sees me, she'll sense that I'm in love with her and she won't even look at me anymore.

So, let me know what you guys think! Should I keep writing? Or does it suck, and should I stop?


	2. Chapter 2

**Continuing on! :D **

I don't even know why I do that. I freaking just, suck. I go into the bathroom, and clean myself up. Being slushied is probably the worst thing, ever. I get to class and sit with my best friend, Kelsey. I always sit with her, because I have no one else, really. We're like, two peas in a pod. People say we're only ourselves when around each other. It's true. When one of us isn't in school, we're quiet, and we just hope they'll come into school late. When they come back the next day, we're like 'I hate you! I had no one to sit with! You left me all alone.' But of course were joking. I used to hate her in junior high. I was actually upset we were going to the same high school. But on the second day of school we sat with each other and laughed nonstop. And now we're best friends. People always laugh at our stupid jokes, or the stupid things we do. She's only in half of my classes this year, sadly. Quinn is in almost all of them. So when I'm in class with Quinn, Kelsey isn't in that class. So I sit with Kurt. Kurt is ok, but he's not my best friend. We used to be close, but not really anymore. I guess people just drift apart. I hate English class. We always are reading books that are probably a second grade reading level. Everyone is so fucking dumb in this school. We're reading some stupid book, out loud, of course, because SOME people can't read at a normal pace. I've finished the book, so I pull out my journal.

Quinn,

Why do you make me feel like this? Of course, I do, in fact, know why. But, I mean, why as in, how? How do you get me to feel these gooey, mushy, gross (not gross), feelings? I feel nervous when I hear your voice or your name. I'm pretty pathetic, I guess. But I hear your name, and get nervous. And shaky. I also get this feeling where you make me happy just by like existing. You talk to me, sometimes, and I try my best to not squeal or anything. We're kind of friends, I guess. We talk about things we like. We have a lot in common, and I never even realized that. Sometimes you call me randomly from across the class to literally just say 'hi.' I figure maybe it's because neither of us knows how to go about starting a friendship. I assume you're straight, but that's ok. You don't have to know I'm gay. We're both straight, to you. It's better that way. I guess we could be really good friends, but we're so awkward. I want us to be friends, I want us to be more than that, but I'll take what I can get. I get less nervous talking to you, for some reason. It's kind of like, you numb me. In a good way. You numb the world around me, so that split second when I'm talking to you, feels like you're the only one there. Just me and you. I am lame, but, hey. Smile more, because I fall more in love with it every day.

Love,

Rachel

I probably shouldn't even be writing this in class. But Quinn isn't in my English class, so it doesn't even matter. But if someone took it from me.. I've never really thought about that. I'd be scared shitless, honestly. I don't want people to know I'm gay. I just feel like it should be kept to me, you know? I have class with Quinn next, though. I'm not really looking forward to it. I don't want to see her. Some days I just don't, because I don't want to feel anything.

I raise my hand.

"Yes, Rachel?"

"Can I go to the nurse, please, I feel like I'm going to throw up," I say with an almost sobbing tone, and Kelsey looks at me.

"Yes, of course you can go," the teacher says while handing me a hall pass. I pack up my things and scurry down to the nurse. I wasn't entirely lying, I did feel like I was going to throw up. Love. I was going to throw up love. Or gay. Rainbows and plaid and cats and smiles everywhere.

"Rachel, you look horrible, what's wrong?" I'm asked, as soon as I step into the nurses office.

"I feel like I'm going to throw up, I've never felt this before," I say while crying. It's true, no one makes me feel like she does. So the nurse calls my dad, and explains to him how I feel. This is actually the first time I've done this. I usually just deal with my feelings. I stare at the nurse as she puts down the phone.

"Your dad is coming to get you, just stay here by the trash can." Yay. I get to go home. It's believable, that I don't feel well. I never complain, or miss school. I should get my homework, but I don't feel like it.

"Rachel, poor baby," my dad says while picking up my bag for me. I don't say anything, I just slowly follow him so he can sign me out, and I can go home. There's Quinn. Sitting in the office.

"Rachel, you're leaving? Feel better!" Quinn says, awfully cheerful. She's either happy to see me, or happy to see me leave. I'm hoping it's just happy to see me. I'm not happy to see her. I feel even worse, now. I manage to mumble a goodbye, and my dad finally signs me out, and we leave.

"Is that Kelsey?" My dad asks. He's never met Kelsey, I don't really bring my friends home.

"No, that's Quinn," I mumble. He just unlocks the car, and we both get in. We're almost home, but he stops at the store to pick me up some medicine. Though I didn't need any, I just went along with it. I pull out my phone quickly, and there's a message from Kelsey.

"Ha. You left me. What's up with you, lately? You were writing in your journal, and wouldn't even look at me," I close my phone because I see my dad coming to the car. I slide it into my back pocket, and he gets into the door.

"Do you need anything before we get home, honey? I have to go back to work," he asks.

"No, can you just hurry home, I don't feel so well," I start crying. What IS wrong with me? He tells me it's going to be ok, and starts the car. We arrive at home, and I say goodbye to my dad. I make my way up into my room, and just throw myself onto my bed. I open up my laptop, and scroll down my news feed. I decide to reply to Kelsey.

"I'm ok, just tired, and need a break. Bring my work to my house, ok? Thank you," I felt bad for leaving her. I take some NyQuil, and about 10 minutes later, I knock out.

**Ok.. so do you guys like it? Please review, and let me know. :) It may eventually become rated M.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Mhm, mhm, sorry for the wait..lol. Anyway, enjoy!**

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I woke up to the sound of my friend Kelsey's text tone.

"Hey, I gave your work to Quinn because she said she had some math stuff to tell you about," as soon as I read it, I dropped my phone. It was only 2 PM, which meant that school got out in 45 minutes, which really meant that I had 45 minutes to ungay myself and act as heterosexual as I could.

"Does she know where I live…." I replied hesitantly. Almost instantly, I got a reply.

"No, but I told her. I also gave her your number. She said she'd call you when she's on your way. It's not a big deal, right?" I replied with "no," and simply just put my phone down and got up. My dads won't be home until around 6:30. More time with Quinn. Or not, unless she just gives my homework to me, and leaves. I spent the 45 minutes I had showering and then doing my hair.

At 3, Quinn called me to tell me she'd be over in a few minutes. So I just went downstairs and sat at the kitchen table, and waited. As soon as Quinn knocked at the door, I got up and answered it.

"Quinn, h-hi," I stuttered out.

"Rachel, hi! Are you feeling better? I brought your work because Kelsey isn't in our math or science, and I figured it would be easier," she explained. Yeah, it would have been sooooo much easier if the girl I'm in love with shows up at my door holding my homework and making me nervous, instead of my best friend.

"Rachel," she asked, as if she was searching for me.

"Oh, um, yeah, hi. What was it you needed to tell me? It was about math?" I asked confused. Although I'm not sure why she has to explain the math to me. I'm really good at math. And she's actually really bad.

"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to see you," she admitted. I was really confused. Who would just "want to see me?"

"What," I asked, more nervous that curious.

"I really like you, Rachel, you know," she said. At that point I was like, is this a joke? She was staring at me, like, me. ME. ME, RACHEL BERRY. QUINN FABRAY WAS STARING AT ME. IN MY HOUSE. As a friend….you like me. I like you too, let's be friends, is what really should have come out of my mouth. But before anything came out of my mouth, my mouth was locked with Quinn's lips. WHAT. I didn't kiss back. I just stood there, shocked.

"R-Rachel, no, I'm sorry. Here's your math, I'm gonna leave now," she said. I could clearly tell she was embarrassed.

"No, Quinn, don't," I grabbed her arm and then I kissed her. What.

"I like you, Quinn," I whispered. I didn't mean to say it, it just came out. I let go of her arm.

"Do you really," she asked, seriously.

"I-I do. I do, I like you, please don't tell anyone," I begged.

"Why would I tell anyone?" she asked. I was dying to know if she loved me to. I mean, she did just kiss me. I'd like to know what she's feeling. I sure am not going to be an experiment of hers, or anything. I didn't even reply back. I didn't want her to know anything.

"I like you too," she whispered. I'll admit that was sudden. I didn't even expect her to say she liked me like I liked her. Maybe she doesn't and it's a joke. She then hugged me very tightly.

"Don't let go," she said into my ear.

"I-Quinn. Please, why are you doing this? Is someone paying you to do," I was interrupted with Quinn's lips against mine.

"Rachel, I mean it. Don't let go," she begged. And so I didn't. I didn't let go, and we went up to my room and lay on my bed for a few hours, while I held her. I don't know why, but she cried. She didn't want to say anything and I didn't make her say anything.

"I have to go, I'll talk to you later," she stated, and just walked out.

"Quinn," I said, but she was already out of the door. I stood there staring at the door for what felt like hours, until my dads walked in.

"Rachel, sweetie, how are you feeling?" my dad Leroy asked.

"Really bad, I'm going to go upstairs," I muttered.

"Alright, but hugs first. Don't worry about school; you don't have to go tomorrow. Do you have a friend who can pick up your work?" Leroy asked, and then they both proceeded to hug me. I nodded my head and then walked up to my room. I pulled the comforter off of my bed and wrapped myself in it. I loved Quinn. I pulled out my phone and had a message from Kelsey.

"Hey, you feeling alright?"

"No, I'm not. I won't be in school tomorrow," I replied.

"Oh, that's alright. We don't have classes together tomorrow, anyway. So I guess you won't need me to bring your work to you tomorrow, Quinn will bring it?" she asked, and I replied with "yeah," despite the fact that I didn't want this Quinn thing to become a regular thing. I eventually fell asleep again, and woke up at around 4 because I had to pee. All I wanted to do was sleep. So I got up, went to the bathroom, and then lay back down. I snuggled into my blanket, and then checked my phone.

3:39 AM – "I miss you," It was a text from Quinn. I almost started crying, for I don't know what reason.

"I miss you too," I replied.

"Can I come over tomorrow," Quinn asked.

"Yeah, sure, Quinn. See you tomorrow," and with that, I fell asleep. I woke up again at about 8:30 AM. I pulled out my journal and started writing to Quinn.

Dear Quinn,

You kissed me yesterday. I was really shocked because I didn't even know you liked me like that. You're coming over today, and all I can think about is you. I can't wait to see you. I told you I liked you, too, but I really love you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to scare you. I'm a confusing person, Quinn. I don't want to let you in and then you can't handle me because of my feelings, or who I am. I don't want to let you in because I don't want to get hurt. But at the same time I want to let you in, so you can let me in, too. I want you to be able to love me and trust me. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours.

Love,

Rachel

I closed my laptop and then got up and went downstairs. There was a note from my dads.

"We hope you're feeling a little better, have a nice day, we love you! - Dad & Dad xoxo

Yeah, I guess I'm feeling a little better, but this whole Quinn thing makes me have even more anxiety than usual. I made a small bowl of cereal and sat down on the couch. I flipped through a few channels, and then decided on "Grey's Anatomy," my favorite show. My phone buzzed. It was Quinn.

"I'll be over in like an hour, is that ok?" she asked. But it was only 9 am. Why would she be coming over so early?

"Sure, but why so early," I asked confused.

"Just because I want to see you, and talk to you," she explained. Oh, no. I don't like talking..especially if it had to do with feelings.

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**So, how'd you guys like it? Any suggestions/comments/constructive criticism, please let me know:)**


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